Today is chemo session six. It's been three weeks since my last session and a lot has happened in that time. I've been having real difficulty swallowing food. On one hand they say I'm healing but my swallowing seems to be getting worse. Could be scar tissue or inflammation, obviously something. The only thing that helps me open up is the steroids they give me. I don't want to take them on a regular basis but they open me up and do make me feel good. I talked with the doctor about it today and in the short term it's ok so I can get through this but eventually long term there will have to be another solution. The steroids are an anti inflammatory so that's what is doing the trick.
When I talk about my condition I tell people that I am not so much focused on the fact that I have this cancer challenge. I am more focused on the fact that I cannot get food down. A friend of mine pointed out this weekend that the cancer is a past and future thing and that the swallowing is a present event. It ll made sense.
I've been well aware of the message the universe is sending me through this process and that is to slow down and me mindful and present in everything I do. So in effect if I look at this in my metaphysical way I see how this is showing me how I need to slow down. It's amazing how much focus I have to give my eating time.
I watch others eat and see how it's just a natural thing that is mostly taken for granted. There is no real thought in the process. In it goes and down it goes. MMMM Good I'm sure. It's such a basic need that I have such a new found appreciation for. Eating.
On a different note but in the same vein as letting go I have recently let go of my business in a way that frees me consciously in a very nice way. I've been stuck in my own control issues for many years with the money that comes in and whatever else. After a very stressful day I realized I don't want this stress of managing the company anymore. So I decided that I would give it to Mary. She is now in charge of the operation and I am a technical consultant. I realized that the money all goes to the same thing. We pay out bills with it and that's pretty much it. We don't draw a paycheck so basically what does it matter who does it if you are a team right? Besides, it has reached the point where her skills are more needed than mine in keeping it together and getting things in order for future growth. My role was to make the machine and I did and it brings in work on a regular basis without any real effort in soliciting that work. It's a machine I made that is now in it's time to be run by someone else.
As for the technical side of things I still need to be there and I am but but I have also hired someone to take over production. So there is that training process gong on and gradually I'm stepping out yet still overseeing quality and technical issues. It feels really good to let it go.
Really it is more of a consciousness shift in my relationship to the business than it is a physical leaving the company. I have to assure my regular customers that I'm still there to be sure the quality and service stays the same in this transition.
So now I don't see myself as having a job. No income other than what I can generate from sales of my art and other little projects which is really a very slow and low money making endeavor right now but it will grow. It's what I love to do so I have to go for it.
So in conclusion today I say my message is to Let Go! Be present! Be here Now! It is liberating.
Thanks for reading, many blessings and love to you all.
