Hello everyone, I'm still here. It's been months since I posted to this blog I know. I kind of lost interest in keeping up with it once the radiation phase of my treatment took over. The radiation just hammered me and I had no desire to do anything.

It's been about three months since radiation and I still did not blog my status. Seems I've been in limbo for quite some time. I guess also once the news started turning bad I did not want to talk about it. Things were going good for a while then the cancer made a return. Big set back. I was pretty bummed to say the least.

I've been on a feeding tube for close to four months or maybe more now and we are finally at the phase where we are taking care of the hietal hernia that caused all of this to begin with. I'm sitting here in my motel room in Portland on the eve of my surgery. I check in tomorrow morning at 5:30 am and I think my surgery is at 9 but It may even be earlier than that.

They are going in laproscopically to pull my stomach down and sew up the tear in my diaphragm. The goal is to be able to eat and swallow again. I can swallow now but it just ends up stuck so the surgery is supposed to alleviate that condition. The doctors say there is no guarantee but once I made the choice they seemed to agree it was the right choice.

Once the surgery is done then it's back to focusing on a cancer free me. Right now, as of my last PET scan, it appears that the esophageal tumor has shrunk considerably but the cancer was back in my liver and lungs and a new spot of concern in my hip. Pretty scary stuff and I feel like the medical establishment wants to give up on me but I'm not giving up on me. I still believe I can beat this.

I'm on track with my naturopath oncologist now doing some alternative treatments to cleanse and build up my body. I'll be starting high doses of Vitamin C next week, IV drip, in addition to some of the Gerson stuff and a few other things.

We've been starting to do some juices in my feeding tube and I have been gaining weight over the last few days. I feel pretty healthy and the doctors say I look and seem healthy and my blood work is good and I'm strong so I have that going for me. I'm still in a lot of pain from time to time and a lot of that is just achy pain from laying around all the time. I have not had a lot of energy to do anything and have not had any exercise in quite some time due to the fact that I can't afford to burn off too many calories and I just have not had the energy.

With this surgery I will gain my ability to eat and gain more weight and have more energy so I can begin to rebuild myself. I feel it is a key component to my healing.

I also have all of you. Your encouragement and support this year has been a godsend. I'm so grateful that I have the friends and acquaintances that send love and prayers our way. I say our way because Mary is pretty deeply wrapped up in this too. She has been through it all with me and I can see how tough it is on her. She has been taking care of me in ways I'm not sure I could do. She is an amazing woman. I love you Mary. Thank you.

So now I'll chill here in the motel for the evening and focus on a positive outcome for my 12/12/12 surgery. I'll think of all of my friends and family and accept their love and prayers as they pour into my universe. I've been so blessed in my life and I have learned so much in the past 12 months that I am ready for my new life of shining brightly and being the best person I can be. I do believe I have changed. I still catch myself in some old patterns but much quicker and much quicker to let it go so I know this life lesson has worked to some degree. it's just been a hard way to wake up to certain things.

Blessings to you all, I send you all my love and surround you all in loving light and wish you all the best that life can bring.

Namaste